Seven Habits of Highly Effective Bouncers

1. Appearance Is Everything Consider what you have to work with: outside the bar, you are the first impression that people get. Your only lighting is often the neon tubes of cheap beer signs. How can you impress upon the patron that you are Not To Be Trifled With? Appearance. You'd better be working out. Black clothing that is a size too small will make you look bigger (but don't wear stripes in order to accentuate your appearance - you'll get no respect). There'd better be gel in your hair, and you hair should be dark. Cross your arms a lot, and either look at people in the eye the whole time, or never look them in the eye.

2. Let Technology Intimidate For You Get with the times, man! There are headsets you can wear that make it seem as though you are in touch with the some Brain in the inner reaches of the establishment. They allow you to bark at no one in particular. There are black light inks to stamp people's hands. There are creepy flashlights you can use to shine on the i.d. and then into the person's eyes. And there is some make-up that doesn't even look like make up but like a suntan, and it won't run for hours!

3. Speak in Strange Lingo Learn some good phrases, starting with the basics: "Next time, no sneaks." Move on up to, "Hey Buddy, better sport it up in the future." Play with language on your own, using what vocabulary you remember or think that you know. "Let me orientate you out of the club." "Allow me to invest you a little advice." "This ain't BMX-ville, Pal."

4. Focus On the Women Most successful bouncers are male. It's just the way it always has been. I'm not saying it's right, but there you have it. As a man with a position of power (or, at least, access), be sure to lord it over others as much as you can. Chat up the ladies, and show some confidence. You never know - they might actually fall for a guy like yourself. If you've followed the preceding rules, you're good looking, technologically advanced, hip, and in control of the door. What's not to love? Being a bouncer is perfectly respectable. For extra charm, don't make them pay cover. For further extra charm, be rude to the guys who accompany the women. Everyone will be impressed.

5. Make 'Em Sweat Take your time before admitting someone - even the women, and especially the snobby women who won't admit they are attracted to you. Check the i.d. to the face. Repeat. Repeat again. Scratch at a blemish on the i.d. Look for the hologram again. Check out the weight on the i.d., and then check out the person from head to toe. Wave someone in, then stop them, and ask to see their i.d. again. You know, just rattle them a bit. For guys, say things like, "I don't know if you're going to get in. You meeting people? It's really crowded." And then let them in. Maybe they were someone famous, and you don't want to piss them off too much.

6. Practice Disdainful Detachment Like you care about anything. Be a little too cool even for your own job. Shrug a lot, and don't answer direct questions. Be a jerk whenever the mood strikes you. Remember, if you show that you care, you show weakness, and then any old dork will wander into the club. Here's a tip: think of something other than bouncing when you are sitting on that stool. Think about working out, or ironing your jeans. People will thing that you are brooding, and they will respect you.

7. Make Being A Bouncer Unique to You There are plenty of Bouncers out there, some more successful than others. Find what it is about you that is most bouncer-like, and work on making it work for you. Remember, the worst case scenario is not someone who is a better Bouncer than you, but rather someone who is the same Bouncer as You. You want to be remembered; You want to be special. You have in You a Bouncer Like No Other. Let it out. Set it free.