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Seven Habits of Highly Effective Germans
A continuing feature of LARGEREGO -- the secrets of success of various types of people. 1. Own Gear and Clothing with Weird Combinations of Neon ColorsTo be an effective German, you must alert the world to your identity at one hundred paces. Neon pink is known to be extremely visible at a great distance, and some of the most effective Germans highlight this color with thin neon yellow tubing. Clothing ideally should have an odd sheen to it, as though it were brand new but made in the eighties. 2. Say "Ach" a Lot
A time-honored classic. The good German will know that people enjoy familiarity and associate "Ach" with lovable German grandfathers. This word is roughly equal in usage to the American "Ah," or "Oh," which can be delivered in a variety of ways to mean a variety of things. Once you have successfully assimilated "Ach" into your speech, pepper your discourse with similarly guttural words and phrases. 3. Have a Severe But Oddly Sissy-ish Name
The best Germans use a liberal amount of umlauts, but any number of names can stand on their own. Georg (pronounced Gay-Org), Gunter, Rölf, Deiter, Madchën, Bettina, Zerlüff, and Nügen are good ones to begin with. Remember: the more you say your name, the more people will remember it, and the more they will remember that you are German. People should feel vaguely uneasy when saying your name aloud. 4. Be Very Interested in Efficiency
Effective Germans themselves are hard pressed to explain why this one is true. It just seems to be part of the way Germans are made. Some experts believe there is a correlation between this fact and Habit #1, in that the clothing serves an almost utilitarian function - fashion is literally a foreign concept. Comparisons are drawn to those Borgs from Star Trek: The Next Generation whose space ship is a big cube. Note that Borg sounds German. Germans love efficiency. 5. Contract Rubella
This infection whose symptoms include rash, cough, and fever can cause damage to a fetus, so this step should be taken only after adolescence, when you actually choose to be a more effective German. It is important, though, that you don't tell people you have rubella - the effective German refers to this disease, with a nod and a wink, as "German measles." 6. Capitalize All Nouns
While this Technique used to be a common Form of Grammar, most Languages have moved on with the Times. Yes, proper Names as well as abstract Nouns such as Freedom are often capitalized, but the true German will capitalize Whatever He can. It is pretty efficient, if You think about It, as You can easily dissect a Sentence when You have Indicators such as capitalized Nouns. An expert German will be able to convey capitalized Nouns when speaking. 7. Make Being German Unique to You
There are Plenty of Germans out there, Some more successful than Others. Find what It is about You that is most Germanic, and work on making It work for You. Remember, the worst case Scenario is not Someone who is a better German than You, but rather Someone who is the same German as You. You want to be remembered; You want to be special. You have in You a German Like No Other. Let It out. Set It free.
By Brady Richards
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