SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE GERMS

1. Cause Coughing
If you want people to know who you are, if you want to be someone that people avoid, you have to make a strong first impression. There is perhaps nothing more unattractive then a deep, wet, hacking cough. If you can muster a good one, you’ll have a head start.

2. Be Virulent
“Contagious” and “infectious” are adjectives that can easily be used to describe positive attitudes, laughter, and spirit. While this depiction may have been fine for the grandfatherly polio and grandmotherly scarlet fever, the times have changed. You have to stay on the cutting edge. Virulence is such a nasty, dirty word. Take charge of it.

3. Location, Location, Location
Head and chest are the pricey locations. The sinus cavities, throat, and especially lungs are the prime real estate of the upper body. Don’t be afraid to start affordable – in a blister on the heel, a cut on the hand, an abrasion on the knee – and put down your roots. But be on the lookout to move on up, to spread and infect.

4. You Don’t Have to Be Incurable
Don’t get carried away. If you shoot too high, you will fall far. Drawing too much attention to yourself can be a bad thing. There are scores of scientists just waiting to make a name off of someone like you. And if you are incurable, you will miss one of the wonders of being a successful germ – the yearly re-occurrence that elicits the anger and frustration of your host. It is much easier to sap the life of your host if they don’t consider you a threat. The parasite who kills its host is missing the point.

5. Think Globally, Act Locally
Pick a good host. Find someone that travels a lot, or comes in contact with a lot of people, or prepares food. Don’t wear yourself out trying to catch a ride from sneeze to sneeze; that’s just not effective distribution. Find a slob or a jerk who can be reliable in lacking hygiene. Hang out in public restrooms. College frat houses are excellent sites of poor hygiene, inconsiderate goofs, and low immunities. Remember, the goal here is to find your way to a country that has no ready defenses against your foreign powers. Do you think smallpox spent years floating around just to stick it out in Europe? Its legend comes nearly entirely from its introduction to the New World

6. Resist Heat and Cold
Many germs labor under the impression that citrus is the biggest enemy. It is the harsh environment that actually kills off the most germs. Don’t take the damp spots by faucets for granted. Avoid the sun as best you can. Stay away from boiling. Stay away from freezing. Look at the mighty wart – burning and freezing for thirty seconds can end years of hard work and layering. Don’t be foolish.

7. Make Being Germ Unique to You
There are plenty of Germs out there, some more successful than others. Find what it is about you that is most germy, and work on making it work for you. Remember, the worst case scenario is not someone who is a better Germ than you, but rather someone who is the same Germ as You. You want to be remembered; You want to be special. You have in you a Germ Like No Other. Let it out. Set it free.