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Seven Habits of Highly Effective Jerks
In light of the success of books that distill the secrets to various ways of life, LARGEREGO has compiled what it takes to make Being An Jerk a successful endeavor. We have gathered our information from experts and people who deal with them on a regular basis. 1. Stand in Doorways, the Tops of Stairs, and other Inconvenient PlacesIt is imperative that people notice you, corporeally, and appreciate that your body is taking up space that they might otherwise find useful to get places. The best locations are those in which a great number of people are trying to pass through, and when there is no going back. Try holding a conversation at the end of an escalator. For the more active and accomplished Jerk, it is a good idea to try to board a subway before people can get off. This kind of physicality often saves you from having to come up with something "clever" or obnoxious to say. 2. Eat With Your Mouth Open
Along with showing everyone the food in your mouth, it is a good idea to try to talk at the same time. After all, the reason your mother taught you not to do this was because she was interested in you not embarrassing her in public. Well, by now you should be old enough to show that you have no conception of decorum, and that it is impossible for you to realize that you should be embarrassed. Your mother will continue to love you, which is the cause of endless amazement to your eating companions. And amazing people is good. 3. Be Loud
This is one of the easiest and most efficient ways to show the world how little you need to monitor yourself. At home, there should never be a time that television or mere walls should be able to drown out your powerful voice. After all, you know that everyone wants to hear what inanity you have to say. Practice by turning on all noisemaking devices in the home -- tv, radio, disposal, hair dryer, and then train your voice to overcome them, one by one. Transfer your newly found volume to such other places as the movie theater. Walk loudly wherever you are, and be sure to give doors some good momentum as they shut. Get out of the habit of turning a knob as you shut it -- there is extra din to be found in the clicking of the mechanics as the door clatters shut. Wear clothing that makes noise. Drum your fingers on hollow surfaces, and find metallic things with which to fidget. Always be looking for people who are tired or napping. 4. Have an Unpleasant Laugh
This trait serves as excellent accompaniment to the previous one. Your laugh should be the one that stands out -- for whatever reason -- at any time that laughter is or is not appropriate. In fact, laughter fits well into any situation for an aspiring Jerk. In serious situations, it highlights your ability to be rude. In humorous ones, it shows that you get the joke and will not let go of it. Factors that improve the irritation factor of your laugh include pitch, duration, insincerity, and of course volume. A striking laugh can always be learned, so keep at it. 5. Don't Listen to Other People
Nothing says self-importance like ignoring those around you. Also, anyone who wants to diffuse your rudeness will find it impossible if you keep plugging bullishly ahead. You've already made up your own opinions about everything, or had someone like you tell you what to think, so what's the point in hearing what someone new has to say? Instead of listening, fill your time thinking about past and future times of drinking, fighting, and watching of television. 6. Be Messy
Clearly, being a successful Jerk means having no regard for people around you. Equally clear is that other people will benefit from anything they can see of your presence. Why do dishes? Why put the caps back on things? What's wrong with a little hair all over the place? Is "near a trashcan" any different from "in a trashcan?" How do you know that your co-workers don't really want your garbage or paperwork spilling over onto their desks? What's the point in not spitting? After all, aren't you putting enough time into your own appearance that you deserve not to have to care about how the rest of the planet looks? If other people are bothered by these things, let them take care of it. 7. Make Jerkiness Unique to You
There are plenty of Jerks out there, some more successful than others. Find what it is about you that is most grating, and work on making it work for you. See when people wince or roll their eyes, and realize that these are the non-verbal clues that will make you a bigger Jerk. Date really nice people who think they can change you. Remember, the worst case scenario is not someone who is a bigger Jerk than you, but rather someone who is the same jerk as you. You want to be remembered; you want to be special. You have in you a Jerk Like No Other. Let it out. Set it free.
By Brady Richards
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