Seven Habits of Highly Effective Roadies

1. Wear Black Jeans
Pretty self-explanatory. In fact, many effective roadies go into the business solely because they happen already to like wearing black jeans. Typically, you shouldn't show up to a job unless the jeans are at least a year old, and kind of faded. Tight is good, though really loose is increasingly recognized as valid, as well. Jeans that fit well are not going to get you anywhere.

2. Explore the Beauty of Holsters
Perhaps Nature's second greatest invention, just behind the devises that go into the holsters. (Or third, also behind cheeseburgers. Though some holsters can hold cheeseburgers.) All of the equipment you could carry in a box can and should go on your person: Two cell phones. A multi-tool. Allen wrenches. Tape measure. Gaffer tape. Pager. Cordless drill. Bag of screws. Keys, keys, keys. (Note: the abundance of tools attached to your body should help determine the tightness of your black jeans.)

3. Save Old Concert T-Shirts
Nothing says you know the ropes like a faded Phish t-shirt from 1992. Allman Brothers from '89. Steel Wheels. A sequence of Madonna tours. You want to show that you worked the big ones that are bigger in retrospect. You hit the mainstream hard-to-land shows as well as the before-they-were big gigs. For best effect, make sure the pits have the thick yellow plating from years of sweating out cheeseburger grease. Or, cut off the sleeves, making sure to do it unevenly. T-shirts should be tight, regardless of the fit of your black jeans.

4. Master The Air Guitar
It doesn't matter if you are working Elton John, Ravi Shankar, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, you have to rock out to the music on the air guitar. And it has to fit: remember, everyone around you is "in the biz" as well, and you aren't the only roadie. While fingering is important, embellish a bit by leaning back, closing your eyes, and doing the funny body movements that enraptured guitarists are known for. It helps to "talk about chicks" a lot after you're finished with your set.

5. Eat A Lot, Eat A Little
Like the fit of black jeans, you should have an extreme body type. If you over 5'9", be really skinny to the point of being gaunt. (NB: you should still wear tight concert t-shirts.) If you are 5'9" or under, you should be overweight. If at all possible, maintain skinny chicken-like legs. (NB: you should still wear tight concert t-shirts.) Both looks evolve from the fashions and body types of the A/V clubbers in high school, who are still the experts on getting the wiring to work, and whose looks evoke feelings of competency balanced with social fringe-ness.

6. Insider's Tip: Know Where To Go For Haircuts
Sure, you can get a bad haircut just about anywhere, but if you want a Roadie Haircut, the best thing to do is get it cut at the gig set-up/take-down. There are all sorts of hangers-on at a rock show, and many of them are looking for a way in. Think about the hair and make-up people. There are a lot of rockers with bad dos out there -- guess where they got them? Every hair and make up person needs to practice, to experiment, to get the really awful cuts out of their system. And if you are working the show with them, you can be the model and not even have to pay. If they are too un-techy to deal with roadies, look elsewhere but not far: groupies, caterers, and part-time security are all looking to climb the ladder. You are an "in." Use it.

7. Make Being A Roadie Unique to You
There are plenty of Roadies out there, some more successful than others. Find what it is about you that is most roadie-like, and work on making it work for you. Remember, the worst case scenario is not someone who is a better Roadie than you, but rather someone who is the same Roadie as You. You want to be remembered; You want to be special. You have in You a Roadie Like No Other. Let it out. Set it free.