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I have recently had the opportunity to read and organize some 200 resumes. Though I never made it to the Career Center at college (I had believed the rumors that there were wild, angry wolverines living in the "Alumni Network" section, so I decided I might as well go get a Chicken Madness instead), it surprises me how many other people are unable to put together a convincing curriculum vitae. Apparently, in today's workaday world, there is not enough time to use such things as spell check, grammar, or common sense. Throughout my perusal of these resumes, I realized that they blended more and more into the same themes. Below is an approximation of how the average job seeker presents himself on paper. Incidentally, this resume is strikingly similar to the one that landed me the job here as Managing Editor at Larger Ego.
OBJECTIVE: To find a job that will utilize my skills in a use that will be beneficial to me, to the company, and to the skills that are utilized by me and the company in a skillful usage, beneficially speaking, preferably in Personnell or Neurophysics.
EDUCATION1989-1993 High School Diploma, Larbage High School
1993-1997 B.A. in Medieval Studies, Wellsbury College, GPA: 3.01064, Major: 2.9531 ACTIVITIES
Party Chair, Alpha Beta Omega Fraternity
Three years as Party Chair. Responsible for planning parties, buying refreshments for parties, inviting partiers (including alumni), collecting money and keys at parties, organizing party clean-ups, and paying fines.
Youngest ever "Beer-Bong-Keg-Stand-Puke-And-Rally" Champion in chapter history.
Light personel duties, such as membership and emergency health care. Harry S Truman Rec Center
Played games with other teenagers and children. Activities included basketball, dodgeball, whiffle ball, Checkers, Sorry!, Stratego, and sort of Chess. Beginner badminton. Intermediate billiards. Some towel fighting.
Achieved "Senior Alligator" level in Swimming.
Exonerated in charges of "willful destruction of property." Twice. EXPERIENCE
1998- Newsroom, ABC News
Responsible for maintaining and keeping track of archives. Accountable for organizing past clips. In charge of sorting and arranging news stories in library. Ran upkeep of old files. Some light personell work. 1997 CBS News
Appeared on camera in news brief on long ticket lines at re-release of "Star Wars: A New Hope." 1996 NBC News
Appeared on camera in news brief about angry students rioting because bars closing an hour early due to Daylight Savings Time. 1993 "Denver Taste Test" Commercial, Pepsico Corporation
Taste tester #3, agreed that taste of diet cola was "surprisingly real." Received $50.00 AWARDS AND HONORS
1996 Ate whole pound of raw ground beef in one sitting. Awarded title by frat brothers, "Le Grand Tartar-stronaut."
1996 Received seven straight extensions from Prof. Gerber on paper, "Emily Dickinson: Man or Woman?," a record in recent memory. Grade: B minus.
1995 French Foreign Legion Medal of Honor Recipient
1994 Met Tony Danza outside of Planet Hollywood. Stole his hat.
1992 Assistant inventor of the "Sippy Cup."
1988-91 Undefeated in Stratego at Truman Rec Center.
1987 Runner-up in seventh grade spelling bee. (Lost on the word "personnel.") INTERESTS AND SKILLS
MS Word, intermediate Spanish, accomplished belcher, guitar, breathing, travel.
By Brady Richards
040301