SHOUTS & MURMURS
Musings For New Yorkers

· Batteries should be disposed of in their proper place. That place is the subway tracks. From there they come, to there they shall return, in a vague nod to recycling. In a pinch, you can dump them anywhere in Staten Island. The East and Bronx Rivers are no longer acceptable.

· There is only one subway train that handles all late-night traffic. It is run according to driver's choice/sobriety.

· The demarcation of street lanes is antiquated and unsightly. As no one pays any attention to this potentially great canvas, why don't we replace the white lines with colorful murals painted by schoolchildren? Write your congressman.

· As a pedestrian, the object of the game is to cross the street against the light. If you have to wait for the "Walk" light, you've lost. As a taxi driver, it is your aim to prevent pedestrians from crossing. Ever. You get to play again if you at least make them wait for the light. Pedestrians earn double points at those intersections on Park Ave. north of Grand Central that have no walk lights. Taxis earn double points in Times Square, where hordes of people remove the individualism of the sport and make driving impossible.

· You have nothing in common with her.

· Spotting Al Roker leaving work is not a Celebrity Sighting. Seeing a drunk Al Pacino punching the side of a taxi at 3 a.m. is.

· If you think that man or woman at the bar is checking you out, look again, as it's probably just the bartender seeing if you need another drink.

· Stop bitching about the roaches. Did you know that roaches in Florida can FLY?

· You are not the first person to realize that the best solution would be to cram that idiot's cell phone into that screaming baby's mouth, but don't let the unoriginality deter you.

· Being mashed against a beautiful person on the subway does not constitute a "date."

· Take a walk by your local Chinese restaurant the night before garbage pick up. Yes, that 8-gallon empty can is labeled MSG. I am not kidding.

· Popular bathroom spots when you are on the subway: in between cars (recommended on express trains with long travel time between stops); if you're still on the platform, past the security gate that leads into the tunnel; or, if you happen to be the person who always sits next to me, apparently your own trousers are fashionable.

· Cab drivers seem not to like Pakistanis. Be aware of this, as it tends to come up. I haven't figured this one out yet. One way to deal with it is to avoid taking cabs.

· The Angelika may show great films, but it's a terrible theater. Yes, that is the subway you hear, not soundtrack thunder.

· The United Nations does not count as international ground upon which you can get away with piracy. No one there will recognize your sovereignty.

· Avenues have their own weather systems, especially in Midtown. Plan your walk accordingly. There is nearly always a good wind blowing out of the east on 57th Street.

· If it smells like monkey meat, it probably is monkey meat. You shouldn't be paying more than $7.00 for it, in any permutation.

· Rain makes people rude. Snow makes them nice.

· When someone invites you to their party, find out if by party they actually mean, "We are going to a bar."

· If you are going to a bar, it is morally objectionable to pay a $10 (or more) cover. It really is. Don't do it. Even if there is a band. Really, any cover at all is quite objectionable. Walk away, just walk away. I know of a decent place a couple blocks down we can go.

· It's good to go out to Queens once a year, just to remind yourself. There is no need to go out to Long Island.

· If you are going to ride the subway, do not also be riding a bike at the same time.

· Reading on the subway is encouraged. Reading aloud from the spiritual works of L. Ron Hubbard on the subway should be strongly, perhaps physically, discouraged.

· People will blame you for their own stupidity and cluelessness. An appropriate response for almost any situation is, "Thanks for the tip, moron."

· Don't ask people what they are paying in rent. It will only depress you, no matter what their answer is.