PLANE DEALER
How to board a plane

My most-recent flight was from Rome, Italy to JFK aboard Alitalia flight AZ610. Actually, the operations for this flight were pretty good -- the timing, the crew, the flight itself. No real complaints here (except that the food was a little weak). What I did notice, though, is that air travel would be easier on ourselves and the airline crew if people would just stop being idiots. I've said this a hundred times before: I never cease to be amazed at the general inconsideration of the human race. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel pretty strongly about it.

Fact #1: The economy class seating arrangement in a 747 is 3-4-3 (not a hard and fast rule, but true in general), for a total of 10 seats per row (3 + 4 + 3 = 10).

Fact #2: The number of rows contained in rows 55-65 is 11.

Fact #3: From #1 and #2 above it can be derived that rows 55-65 contain 110 seats, because, having taken a lot of math in college, I know that 11 rows @ 10 seats/row = 110 seats. Hmm, even the units work out. Imagine that.

Why is it then that when the friendly Alitalia lady comes on the intercom thingy and says, "Now boarding passengers in rows 55-65", 524 people (the maximum seating capacity of a Boeing 747-400) go rushing up to the gate? Oh, I see, EVERYONE is sitting in rows 55-56. How stupid of me to assume that there is some sort of reasoning to the seat assignment numbering system. The result, as I'm sure you have all witnessed, is utter chaos with everyone pushing and shoving and whacking my shins with big, heavy, wheeled suitcases that I know damned well do not fall under the allowable-carry-on-size-restriction threshold. I should also mention the part about getting squeezed up against the non-showering, stinky guy that smells remarkably similar to an uncooked venison sausage left out on a sun-shiny, mid-July afternoon. [Luckily, I did not have to sit next to this guy, but when he stood up on the plane and stretched out everyone knew it.]

The point (if there is one) is this: People need to chill out. There is an efficient way to do things and an inefficient way. If only 50 people would go up to the gate at a time (when they are supposed to) they would get processed easier and more quickly and then they could go and sit down without too much hassle. Sure, the first class folks get seated first because they paid a whole hell of a lot more than I did, and that's OK by me. After that, you board starting at the back of the plane and work your way to the front. Back-to-front - very simple. If your row has not been called, do not come to the gate. The airline folks could do a better job here, I think. If someone comes up to the gate when they're not supposed to, tell them to relax and have a seat. If they come up again, tranquilize them. This is not what happened. I was more than a little annoyed to see some spanky, American jackass just lounging around in seat 23E as I'm kung-fuing my sorry ass back to 55C. There were several other "front of the plane" folks hanging out in the aisle, putting stuff in the overhead bins, talking, bitching because their new Italian sofa doesn't fit under the seat, etc. You see, the pushy, impatient people are on the plane too soon and now THEY'RE IN THE WAY! This is a serious disruption to what could otherwise be a somewhat efficient process.

On this topic, someone told me: "It's all about overhead space," implying that people must think that if they get on the plane sooner they'll be guaranteed a place to stick their stuff. Which brings me to another point (I'm full of points): carry on luggage should be small. Really, it should be. The overhead and under-the-seat space issue wouldn't be an issue at all if people didn't bring automobile-sized suitcases disguised as carry-on luggage. This is another rule that could be more strictly enforced by the airlines. If someone tries to board the plane with a bag that doesn't fall under the allowable-carry-on-size-restriction threshold, then the bag should be confiscated and burned while the remaining passengers point at that person and laugh.

We should try to co-operate. We should do what makes sense. Life could be happier and easier. Isn't that what we all want?