DEAR MR. PRESIDENT
A Response to George's Three Debates
Because I wasn't present at any of the debates, Mr. President, this is my chance to respond to some of the more ridiculous claims you made during your three oratorial losses to John Kerry. I have arranged your declarations by topic, for the sake of convenience.
THE INVASION OF IRAQ
"First of all, of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that."
Then why is he still alive, George? He's a six-five Arab guy on dialysis. That he still breathes is your single greatest failure as president.
"...to think that another round of resolutions would have caused Saddam Hussein to disarm, disclose, is ludicrous, in my judgment. It just shows a significant difference of opinion."
Another round of U.N. resolutions and inspections would not have made Saddam disarm, because is order to disarm, you first have to arm. That's how it works.
"...Tommy Franks did such a great job in planning the operation, we moved rapidly, and a lot of the Baathists and Saddam loyalists laid down their arms and disappeared. I thought they would stay and fight, but they didn't. And now we're fighting them now."
Let me get this straight: Iraq is a mess now because we kicked too much ass in the beginning? What about "Mission Accomplished"? What about when we toppled that Saddam statue that was conveniently placed across the plaza from where all the journalists were staying? This from the guy who says Kerry's logic is muddy?
"I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. And I'm optimistic."
We know you get the casualty reports, George, but do you read them? Because if you do, you'd have no reason to be optimistic...unless you are completely delusional. This scares me, your inability to cope with reality. It scares a lot of people.
"The Duelfer report confirmed that decision today, because what Saddam Hussein was doing was trying to get rid of sanctions so he could reconstitute a weapons program."
Um, get Laura to read that Duelfer report to you, George. What it says is that it should have been obvious that Saddam was not in league with al-Qaeda, didn't possess WMDs, and wasn't, therefore, a threat to U.S. interests. That you and your neo-con advisors were wrong, in other words.
"I had the honor of visiting with Prime Minister Allawi. He's a strong, courageous leader. He believes in the freedom of the Iraqi people."
He's a puppet, Mr. President, and everyone knows it. If you look hard enough, you can see the strings.
"I don't see how you can lead this country in a time of war, in a time of uncertainty, if you change your mind because of politics."
More dangerous far, George, is to not change your mind because of politics -- especially if your obstinance leads to a thousand dead soldiers and counting.
THE ECONOMY
"We found out today that over the past 13 months, we've added 1.9 million new jobs in the last 13 months."
Spin it all you want: you've presided over the first four-year net jobs loss since Herbert Hoover. And he had the Great Depression as an excuse. What's yours, 9/11? That was three years ago.
Your economic policies have not worked. The tax cuts to the rich, to the big businesses? They have helped the richest people in the country at the expense of everyone else. And I suspect even you know it, which is why you looked so uncomfortable answering tax questions.
"I love the optimism...because that's how I feel about America. And we've been through a lot together during the last three and three-quarters years...a recession, a stock market decline, an attack on our country."
Those are three very good reasons to give your ass the boot. If 9/11 had happened on Gore's watch, that's all you Republicans would be talking about. It happened on yours, and yet you're supposed to be tough on terror? Whatever.
"[Kerry]'s just not credible when he talks about being fiscally conservative. He's just not credible. If you look at his record in the Senate, he voted to break the caps -- the spending caps -- over 200 times. And here he says he's going to be a fiscal conservative, all of a sudden. It's just not credible. You cannot believe it."
I also wouldn't believe that you, a Republican, would spend so much of my hard-earned cash. Yet you took a record surplus and turned it into a record deficit. Who's going to pay for that? I am. Me and my little boy. And I'm not happy about it.
That Republicans are fiscally conservative is a myth. That kind of thinking went out with Reagan. Unfortunately.
"[Kerry] talked about the unemployed. Absolutely we've got to make sure they get educated."
Is there a link between education and unemployment? What about all the white-collar workers who are losing their jobs to India and other countries? Don't they have college degrees?
"He [Kerry] can run, but he can't hide from his record."
1) You said this already, about Osama, and he's still out there.
2) Which record are you talking about? His record in the National Guard? His criminal record? Because in those cases, you're the one with something to hide, not the honorable Kerry.
HEALTH CARE
KERRY: "Well, two leading national news networks have both said the president's characterization of my health-care plan is incorrect. One called it fiction. The other called it untrue."
BUSH: "In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about -- oh, never mind. Anyway, let me quote the Lewin report. The Lewin report is a group of folks who are not politically affiliated. They analyzed the senator's plan. It cost $1.2 trillion."
The Lewin report? What the fuck is the Lewin report?
"I do believe the lawsuits -- I don't believe, I know -- that the lawsuits are causing health care costs to rise in America. That's why I'm such a strong believer in medical liability reform."
So it's the lawsuits, and not the pharmaceutical and insurance companies that are driving up costs? Really? That's news to me.
"Let me start with how to control the cost of health care: medical liability reform, for starters, which he's opposed. Medical liability issues are a problem, a significant problem. He's been in the United States Senate for 20 years and he hasn't addressed it. We passed it out of the House of Representatives. Guess where it's stuck? It's stuck in the Senate, because the trial lawyers won't act on it. And he put a trial lawyer on the ticket."
This could be a whole column, but George, the kind of tort reform you seek -- capping awards and instituting safeguards for frivolity -- is bad. Because that's how it is in Texas now, thanks to you, and as Dan Zegart pointed out in The Nation two weeks ago, people in that state with legitimate gripes are finding it impossible to find lawyers to represent them, because of your so-called "tort-reform."
Think about it logically: if the damages I can win for medical malpractice are capped, the entity being sued can outspend me and make it not worth my while. I'd be screwed! Yes, there are people who abuse the system. But there are also those -- and more of them -- who depend on it for justice. Your "reform," W., is a victory for the rich and for the corporations.
"Gosh, I sure hope it's not the administration."
Well, since you brought it up...
CANADIAN DRUGS
"When a drug comes in from Canada, I want to make sure it cures you and doesn't kill you. And that's why the FDA and that's why the surgeon general are looking very carefully to make sure it can be done in a safe way. I've got an obligation to make sure our government does everything we can to protect you. And what my worry is is that, you know, it looks like it's from Canada, and it might be from a third world."
Just like those pesky Canadians to try and sell us defective drugs. Way to protect us, big guy.
"We're working with Canada to hopefully -- that they'll produce a -- help us realize the vaccine necessary to make sure our citizens have got flu vaccinations during this upcoming season."
With Canada? For drugs? But didn't you just say we can't trust those sneaky Canucks? How do we know the vaccine is not from some third-world country, like -- I don't know -- Afghanistan or Sudan? I'm confused, Mr. President. This sounds to me like -- dare I say it -- a flip-flop.
"LIFE"
"Embryonic stem-cell research requires the destruction of life to create a stem cell. I'm the first president ever to allow funding -- federal funding -- for embryonic stem-cell research.... But I think we've got to be very careful in balancing the ethics and the science. And so I made the decision we wouldn't spend any more money beyond the 70 lines, 22 of which are now in action, because science is important, but so is ethics, so is balancing life. To destroy life to save life is -- it's one of the real ethical dilemmas that we face."
The stem cells Christopher Reeve wants you to use are not from abortions, Dr. Genius. They already exist. Instead of using them for scientific purposes, we're now not using them at all. This is stupid.
"My answer is, we're not going to spend taxpayers' money on abortion."
But you'll spend it to execute federal criminals? We know from your stint in Texas that you just love to green-light executions. That doesn't jibe with your "life is precious" argument, George. Please enlighten me.
"What he's asking me is, will I have a litmus test for my judges? And the answer is, no, I will not have a litmus test. I will pick judges who will interpret the Constitution, but I'll have no litmus test."
Kerry stated point-blank that he would never allow Roe v. Wade to be overturned. You were asked to guarantee this, too, and you balked. Why? Because you want it overturned.
I sense that when you say "interpret the Constitution," you really mean "interpret the Constitution in the same way that I do."
John Kerry is a lawyer by trade. You're a...what are you, exactly? Recovering narcotic addict isn't a job. Baseball owner, I guess? Why should anyone listen to Con Law lectures from a guy whose biggest splash in his actual career was to trade Sammy Sosa?
"What I'm saying is is that as we promote life and promote a culture of life, surely there are ways we can work together to reduce the number of abortions: continue to promote adoption laws -- it's a great alternative to abortion -- continue to fund and promote maternity group homes; I will continue to promote abstinence programs."
Most kids don't give a whit about abstinence, George. Not a whit. And nothing you or your wife -- or Theresa Heinz Kerry, for that matter -- can do will convince them.
What you should be doing -- to prevent those abortions you're so opposed to, and to prevent the spread of AIDS and other STDs -- is better educating the kids about sex, and providing them with birth control. (A more cynical person might suspect you that want AIDS to remain an epidemic, because you're in with the drug companies).
I know this offends your "Christian" sensibilities, but the truth is, most people want to have sex. And there's nothing wrong with safe consentual sex, George. It's a function -- a benefit, it says here -- of living in a free society. Your job as president is to accept the way the overwhelming majority of people behaves and deal with it. Victimless crimes are not crimes.
You want pre-marital abstinence, move to Afghanistan.
IS HOMOSEXUALITY A CHOICE?
"You know, Bob, I don't know. I just don't know."
I'm going to assume you're saying this to please your Christian base, and that you don't really believe it. Because if you do, you're even dumber than you look. And you know who you looked like, during these debates, with your simian visage, your slightly-crossed eyes, and most of all your snide heckle of a laugh? You looked like Beavis. HEH HEH HEH HEH.
Read last week's column before you speak on this subject again, so you don't sound like a fucking moron.
ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN
"I did think we ought to extend the assault weapons ban, and was told the fact that the bill was never going to move, because Republicans and Democrats were against the assault weapon ban, people of both parties."
Remember when I wrote a few months ago that you weren't a liar, George? You are now.
This is the biggest pile of bullshit to have escaped your lips in four years -- and that's saying something. Every law enforcement worker in this country wanted than ban, and you fucked them over to pander to the NR-Fucking-A. Like Chartlon Heston would vote for Kerry otherwise.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION
"I agree, we shouldn't have quotas. But we ought to have an aggressive effort to make sure people are educated....That's the access I believe is necessary, is to make sure every child learns to read, write, add and subtract early, to be able to build on that education by going to college so they can start their careers with a college diploma."
The one issue I might have agreed with you on, George, and you screw it up. The drawbacks to Affirmative Action are that a) it can create a stigma on minority hires; b) it's impossible to administer without quotas, official or otherwise; c) it can be taken advantage of by more affluent minorities; and worst of all, d) the legal pressure it creates can backfire, like when a minority is placed in a high-level job for which he is not qualified and therefore does not succeed, and this perpetuates stereotypes of minorities as inferior.
Plenty of liberals are against Affirmative Action for just those reasons. Plenty of minorities are against it, too. You should have just listed these drawbacks and moved on. (And I know you're aware of the drawbacks, George. "Condoleezza" is Swahili, I believe, for "in over my head.")
Instead, you tell the American people that, in effect, minorities can't get the good jobs because they're stupid.
Ouch.
THE ENVIRONMENT
"Off-road diesel engines -- we have reached an agreement to reduce pollution from off-road diesel engines by 90 percent."
That's it? That's the best you can do? You shitcan your EPA chief because even she recognizes your indifference to green issues. You preside over the rise of SUVs and Hummers. You...but you've already written off the green vote. You wooing an environmentalist is like me wooing a Born Again Christian.
HOMELAND SECURITY
"The best way to defend America in this world we live in is to stay on the offense."
No, the best way is to do what Kerry suggests -- work with other countries in a massive international police operation. Thanks, by the way, for giving Wyoming as much federal money for security as you gave New York. I'm sure the cattle appreciate it.
AND FINALLY...
"You looked at me like my clock was up."
It is, big guy. As of today, you're on two weeks' notice.
—Greg Olear
Editor, LARGEREGO
October 19, 2004
Editor, LARGEREGO
October 19, 2004
"We are a nation in danger." |