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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
And frequently supplied answers
Every other Web site has an FAQ page. Here is LARGEREGO's version:
A. Fine. Q. What time is it?
A. I don't know. I left my watch at home. Last time I checked, it was, like, 10:30. Q. What's your name?
A. Bob. Q. What's your problem?
A. I have two problems: your breath and your face. Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A. He'd chuck as much as a woodchuck could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Q. Why is she dating that guy?
A. He's not like that all the time. He's really sweet, when you get to know him. He's just shy. Q. Would you like another drink?
A. Please. Q. What happens when we die?
A. Our friends and family attend our funeral. Then our body is either cremated or buried. Unless we are Benito Mussolini, in which case we are hung upside-down from a meat hook. Q. How can I take advantage of this limited one-time offer?
A. Send check or money order for $19.95 to Greg Olear, 151 First Avenue #55, New York, NY 10003. Q. Why don't you mind your own business?
A. This is my business. Q. Is this the 5:15 train to Dover?
A. Yes. Q. Would you like fries with that?
A. If I wanted fries, I would have asked for them. Don't tempt me with your cholesterol sticks, you spawn of Satan. I'm on a diet. Q. Have you seen my keys?
A. Look on the table by the sofa Q. Are you interested in subscribing to the New York Daily News?
A. No. Q. Can I help you with something?
A. No, thanks. I'm just browsing. Q. Are we having fun yet?
A. No. And I don't foresee much fun in the near future, either. Q. Can I see your license and registration?
A. Whatever you say, you Fascist pig. Q. Have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie?
A. God, no. Q. What's your sign?
A. Scorpio. What's yours? Q. Is that butter or margerine?
A. I think it's butter. Q. What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?
A. [cue: laughter] Q. Has anyone handled your baggage other than you?
A. Nope. Just me and my friend Carlos, the Algerian terrorist. Q. Is there really a Santa Claus?
A. No, Virginia. Santa Claus is the invention of German-born American editorial cartoonist Thomas Nast -- the same cartoonist whose vile depictions of Boss Tweed helped bring down New York's corrupt Tammany Hall in the 1890s. The name Santa Claus is a Teutonic corruption of Saint Nicholas. And it was Coca Cola who depicted him in the red suit, to associate the jolly old elf with their products. Q. Why am I still reading this?
A. I'm really, really, really bored, and The Onion hasn't been updated in weeks.
--compiled by GMO and LBR