LARGEREGO's GUIDE TO THE MEYERS-BRIGGS PERSONALITY TEST
By Greg Olear, author of Totally Killer and Fathermucker
Most of us have been subjected at one time or another to take the Meyers-Briggs personality test. Some say there's two kinds of people in the world. These two psychologists say there are 16. Your type is based on where you fit in certain scales: Introvert/Extrovert, Sensing/Intuitive, Thinking/Feeling, and Judging/Perceiving. Following is a guide to the 16 types: ISTJYou are a dweeb, the sort of person who pins her socks together when she does the laundry. Which, by the way, you always do Tuesday night at 7pm. You knew what all the F keys did in the antediluvian Word programs. For fun you memorize new zip codes. ISFJ
You are a killjoy. You hate refusing people what they want. You love Bob Dylan and other drug music, but you were always the one who stayed sober and drove home while your friends got high. You in jeans and a T-shirt is like most people in Bermuda shorts. INFJ
You are a geek. In grade school you sat in front, never spoke unless called upon, but always got straight A's anyway. In high school people cheated off your tests and you let them. Then they stole your lunch money. INTJ
These people are visionaries, leadres who shape the world we live in, movers and shakers that implement ideas and make things happen. You are not one of these, because there aren't any. ISTP
You are an egomaniac. You think you're the cat's meow, even though you more closely resemble the ass's bray. You have a great sense of humor, if making fun of people can be called humor. You only have three friends, the same three friends you ate lunch with in third grade. Everybody else hates your guts. ISFP
You are a pushover. You always wind up cleaning the house, doing the dishes, cooking the meals, and other chores no one else wants to do. You took an ugly date to the prom because you were too much of a wuss to say no. You've never sat in an aisle or by the window in a plane -- always in the middle. INFP
You are a space cadet. Many jokes involving blondes apply to you. You still technically haven't graduated from college because you still haven't turned in that last paper, or several books to the library. Your fly is open right now. And you don't give a damn. INTP
You are a tyrrant. When you play organized sports, your teammates quit. Things have to be done your way or not at all, which means you spend a good time of time doing nothing. For fun you read Kierkegaard. You also know how to spell his name. ESTP
You are a whiner. It's not so much the complaining, although there's too much of that, but the way you complain that's so annoying. You sound like a tired Saturday Night Live sketch. You're the kind of person who goes to weddings and whines about the food, the church, the wedding dress… ESFP
You are a lush. Right now you'd fail a sobriety test, a drug test or both. If you're a woman, you probably have lots of pictures in little frames all over the house of you and your friends hugging and smiling. If you're a man, you have Greek letters tattooed somewhere on your body. ENFP
You are a scatterbrain. You have the attention span of a three-year-old who just sucked down a dozen Pixie Sticks. You have a tremendous amount of energy, most of which you waste chasing your tail. Which, being human, you don't have. We could say more, but you've already gotten bored with this and moved on. ENTP
You are a flibbertyjibbit. You get really excited about something, throw yourself into it for a week, and then forget all about it. You buy things from QVC. Your basement is crammed with toys you no longer play with -- shotguns, the Duroflex, self-help cassettes. You don't have a significant other because you are incapable of committing, which is just as well, because you're selfish and lousy company. ESTJ
You are a jock. Your social life revolves around sports. If you're a guy, you played football in high school and beat up people you didn't. If you're a girl, you were a cheerleader, and dated, and are now engaged to, an ESTJ man. You enjoy breaking fingers with your handshake, and hate the designated hitter, even though if you play ball professionally, you are one. ESFJ
You are a follower. Your extroverted tendencies revolve around kissing the asses of your social betters, which comprise the rest of the non-ESFJ world. The American dream, for you, is a spouse, two-point-five kids, and a house with a white picket fence -- oh so original. You have a Frank Sinatra fetish. You have other fetishes, too, but our mothers read this, so we won't say what. ENFJ
You are a backstabber. This is because you have so many so-called friends, most of whom don't like you. They just keep you around because you look good in latex and get them free drinks. Maybe if you could spend more than five minutes alone you could be introspective enough to recognize your many flaws. But you'd rather hang out with the town whino than be alone. In fact, he woke up in your bed this morning -- again. ENTJ
You are a bore. You have an opinion on every little issue, and you're not happy until you throw your two cents in. You are the kind of arrogant asshole who would start a Web magazine just to get your poin across -- and you'd name it after yourself, disguised as a clever anagram. You spend too much time watching basketball and not enough working on your next novel, not that anyone will buy it. And would it kill you to hang the wet towel in the bathroom, and wash the cereal bowls instead of letting the Cocoa Pebbles coagulate on the ceramic?