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Super Bowl XXXV a commercial disaster
In five days, the New York Giants take on the Baltimore Ravens in Super Bowl XXXV. The game pits two of the league's best defenses in what promises to be a grueling, grind-it-out, low-scoring affair.
For those of you ignorant of pigskin patois, "grueling, grind-it-out, low-scoring affair" is a euphemism for "mindnumbingly dull football." This is the sort of contest that only the John Maddens and Bill Parcellses of the world can possibly get excited about.
Hockey teams occasionally score seven points in one game, but don't expect that to happen this Sunday. My prediction: Giants 2, Ravens 0, with the lone score coming on a Michael Strahan sack of Trent Dilfer in the Balitmore end zone. This game will be so lacking in offensive output, the only people still watching in the fourth quarter will be Manchester United fans and Young Republicans: both are used to not scoring.
Which means, of course, that what will keep viewers tuned to CBS will not be Kerry Collins and Tiki Barber, but those "Whassup" dudes. More than ever, commercials will take center stage.
Unfortunately, a gander at Advertising Age's list of Super Bowl advertisers reveals the advertising equivalent of a grueling, grind-it-out, low-scoring affair.
This year's spots will include trailers for Hannibal and The Mummy Returns, three minutes of Joy of Cola insipidity, Philip Morris-isn't-Evil-Incarnate propaganda, and the obligatory ads for beer and snack food.
Other sure-to-be-stinkers: soporific corporate identity spots for Accenture (formerly that paragon of fun, Andersen Consulting) and Cingular Wireless, the launch of the Jared-inspired-me-to-lose-weight-by-eating-at-Subway campaign, and ads for M&Ms and Doritos.
We'll also see new installments of Visa's "Everywhere You Want To Be" and MasterCard's "Priceless" campaigns, both of which stopped amusing me two years ago. The proposed Levi's ad, in which "a medical team rushes loose, worn jeans to a young man in need," sounds like a miss. I also expect little from Verizon, as readers of this column well know.
With a full four minutes of airtime, Anheiser-Busch will feature the most ads during the game. While two of these will be new "Whassup" ads, at least one will involve -- I'm not making this up -- boy band 'N Sync going door to door thanking parents for talking to their kids about underage drinking.
(What's the over-under in Vegas, I wonder, on how many 'N Sync members will be busted for DUI in the next two years? Memo to my bookie: I'll take the over).
Fortunately, we will be spared the historical spots in which descendants of Adolphus Busch -- the patriarch who first brought a ripped off, watered down version of Czech Budwar to America a century ago -- inform us that born-on-dating somehow makes Budweiser superior to, say, Stella Artois.
Though I fervently hate these ads, it is interesting to chart how the Busch boys have gotten handsomer, blonder and dumber with each passing generation. August Busch III bears an uncanny resemblence to Louie, the lizard that hawked his flagship Budweiser; his son, August Busch IV, is not repellent physically but has difficulty pronouncing the word brewery. Perhaps -- and this is just a suggestion -- they should feature the Busch wives, instead, as they are obviously of the trophy variety.
(Did I mention that 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys are both playing the halftime show? Memo to 98 Degrees: fire your agent).
Of course, there are always a few funny spots during the four-hour marathon of a game. E-Trade's dancing monkey returns to the Super Bowl; his debut was the funniest ad of a year ago. EDS, which last year did the "Herding Cats" ad, is back with "Running of the Squirrels," a spoof of the running of the bulls in Pamplona. I'm a big fan of the Charles Schwab "Smarter Investor" campaign. HotJobs and Monster bought space this year; Volkswagon usually has cool ads. And FedEx can be depended on for overnight delivery and funny commercials.
What would be great, in this age of mergers and acquisitions, is if the advertisers joined forces and came up with a single ad. Something like this:
Wearing his Levi's 569 jeans, the E-Trade dancing monkey, smashed on Bud Light and munching on Cool Ranch Doritos and M&Ms -- all of which he purchased with his ubiquitous Visa -- and also shouting "Whassup" into his Verizon Wireless cellular phone as he delivers an express package for FedEx in the new Volkswagon GTI down a road on which thousands of EDS squirrels are running away from Hannibal Lecter and Subway's Jared, runs down the Accenture execs (who got hired via ads on HotJobs and Monster.com), the creepy Pepsi-swilling Joy of Cola girl, and members of 'N Sync as they go from door to door imploring parents to talk to their children about Schwabb investments. Inside the package, which is signed for by The Mummy and paid for with his priceless MasterCard, is a carton of Virginia Slims menthol 100s.
That might even be worth the hype.
By Greg Olear
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