BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
I am the beholder

I'm speaking, of course, about PEOPLE magazine's annual 50 Most Beautiful People issue.

Every year I attack the issue the same way: I plow quickly through the 40 some-odd pages, looking for the GREG OLEAR entry. Needless to say, I was not among the 50. But neither was Brad Pitt, so I don't feel so bad.

(Sidebar: If PEOPLE voted Brad Pitt Sexiest Man Alive, and he died in a car crash before press time, would they still run the issue?)

Stephanie, too, was not on the list -- an egregious oversight, if you ask me. Other notables that did not make the cut: Tyson, Madonna (or either of her children), Cruise and his estranged wife, Bjork, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Denzel Washington, Cindy Crawford, Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath, anyone in a boy band, any of the Friends, the Bush twins, the Gore daughters, Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, Mia Hamm, Anna Kournikova, the Williams sisters, the Baldwin brothers, Jon Bon Jovi, Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones, Calista Flockhart, and, amazingly, Britney Spears.

With all those hotties on the outside looking in, who's left? Some are obvious: Chow Yun-Fat, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Johnny Depp, J-Lo, Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney, Benicio Del Toro, Heidi Klum.

(Sidebar: I once rode the elevator with Klum. I had no idea who she was, but I knew she didn't work at my company).

But there are many who aren't. PEOPLE does a nice job of keeping the list diverse, in terms of race, ethnicity and gender as well as age, walk of life, and even popularity.

You probably have not heard of Jon Gruden, 37, the coach of the Oakland Raiders. He could probably hold his own next to Julia Roberts (who made the list, natch), and is certainly the best looking of compeers that include Bill Parcells, Mike Holmgren, and the ursine Dennis Green. An unlikely choice for the list, but a deserving one.

Although among the funniest people alive, Jon Stewart is not one of the 50 most beautiful. But compare him to other late-night TV show hosts and his inclusion is obvious. These days David Letterman looks like an extra from Return of the Living Dead.

Magazines are often lambasted, rightly, for upholding a standard of beauty that glorifies the young and anorexic -- and young and anorexic women in particular. Call it the MAXIM effect. PEOPLE seemed determined to reverse that trend, if only for one week of the 52. Charlotte Rampling and Heather Locklear, no spring chickens, are both on the list, as is Julianne Moore, who is 40. That 58-year-old Blythe Danner made the cut and her duckish daughter didn't is a cause for celebration.

Some of the entries I don't approve of. Heath Ledger, for example. Who is this guy? Since when does making two really bad period pieces entitle you to be a star? And I could have done without Julia Robert's equine visage (is it me, or does she look like Barbra Streisand?). But one entry blew me away with its sheer ridiculousness:

Laura Bush, First Lady of the United States and wife to our dim-witted President, is on the list.

Forget, for a moment, the obvious argument, which goes along the lines of, "She's not that hot." What has Laura Bush ever done to merit being considered? She gave up a promising career as a school librarian to marry a coke-addicted goofball, presumably to partake in his fantabulous wealth and get good seats to Texas Rangers games. Once among the idle rich, she had plenty of time to give birth to Jenna and Barbara. Jenna got busted for alcohol last semester at the university of Texas. Laura, while still a debutante, was so busy yapping to a friend in the passenger seat that she ran a stop sign, plowing into the car of her ex-boyfriend and killing him instantly. Even Hillary Clinton hasn't killed anyone (as far as we know).

If they wanted a female political figure, a better choice would have been Mary L. Landrieu, the Democratic Senator from Louisiana. The daughter of former New Orleans mayor Moon Landrieu, Mary was elected to the Louisiana House of Representatives at the prodigious age of 23. She served two terms there and was State Treasurer for eight years. She was elected to the Senate in 1997 and has served on the Armed Services Committee and the powerful Senate Appropriations Committee, which approves federal spending. She has played vital roles in national security, agriculture, and relief for small businesses. Her Web site is the best of the 50 Senators (and probably the 50 Most Beautiful People, too). Last but not least, she is a wee bit comelier than our First Lady, as you can see: