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Halloween just another day at the office
Today is Halloween. It is a day for costumes, confections, and carving pumpkins. It is a day to let down our inhibitions and express our creativity: Men masquerade as women, women masquerade as men, nepotistic governors masquerade as presidential material.
Today is also Tuesday, which means I, like most of my countrymen, am at work. Work, where the only costume I wear is that of corporate drone -- the same tired outfit I don five days a week.
Why is it, I wonder, that we don't get Halloween off? More people celebrate Halloween than Labor Day. Yet the latter, not the former, is a federal holiday.
And while we're on the subject, three of the 10 federal holidays fall within three weeks of each other, but there are none between mid-February and late May.
This, Captain, is not logical. It's high time we examine -- and, where applicable, adjust -- our 10 federal holidays:
New Year's DayOverview: A nation toasts the end of a bathetic year by overindulging on bubbly, singing a song whose lyrics make no sense whatsoever, and resolving to never again do something they will do again the following Saturday.
Advantages: No more millennium hullabulloo for another 999 years. Last year's calendars available for a song.
Disadvantages: Steep cover charges make bar-hopping difficult.
Conclusion: Like its exemplar Dick Clark, New Year's Day never gets old.
Recommendation: Retain. Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday
Overview: Black civil rights leader and martyr honored by government in same way said government honors avaricious white imperialist Christopher Columbus.
Advantages: Grade school kids will be sure to learn about him in class.
Disadvantages: Frederick Douglass, Booker T. Washington, W.E.B. duBois, Adam Clayton Powell, Jr., Jackie Robinson, and Malcolm X -- and, for that matter, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Victoria Woodhull, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Margaret Sanger, and Susan B. Anthony -- should, by similar logic, also have their birthdays declared federal holidays.
Conclusion: If they really wanted us to think about civil rights, the day to have off is April 4, not January 15.
Recommendation: Remove. Washington's Birthday
Overview: Destitute actors humiliate themselves by portraying dead presidents in television advertisements.
Advantages: No money down at auto dealerships and electronics retailers, and no payments due till July.
Disadvantages: Aforementioned television advertisements insist on using phrases "By George" and "Honest, Abe."
Conclusion: They already named the capital after the guy and plastered his mug on the quarter, the one dollar bill, and a slab of rock in South Dakota. By George, we get the point.
Recommendation: Remove. Memorial Day
Overview: A day to remember those who died in the Civil War -- those, in other words, whom no one now alive is old enough to remember.
Advantages: Barbeque.
Disadvantages: Some jerk always schedules a wedding the Sunday before and spoils the long weekend.
Conclusion: This should be a solemn day when we remember all those who made our nation greater, from George Washington to Martin Luther King, Jr., to my great-grandfather (who died of consumption contracted while digging the Holland Tunnel).
Recommendation: Retain. Independence Day
Overview: Americans celebrate declaration of independence from the British by blowing off fingers with Roman candles.
Advantages: Rousing score by John Philip Sousa.
Disadvantages: "Born on the Fourth of July" was a lousy move. "Independence Day" was worse.
Conclusion: As Benjamin Franklin once said, "This is the crappiest country on earth, except for all the others." Or maybe that was Bonnie Franklin…
Recommendation: Retain. Labor Day
Overview: In a tip of the hat to America's labor unions, most of the country take the day off and shop at supermarkets, retailers, liquor stores, and other businesses staffed largely by union-covered employees.
Advantages: College students get to skip the first Monday of a fall semester front-loaded with Monday classes.
Disadvantages: No one has any idea why we have this day off.
Conclusion: National Day of Irony.
Recommendation: Remove. Columbus Day
Overview: White subjugation of Native Americans heralded with parade down island "purchased" from original inhabitants by European "businessmen" for a few crates of costume jewelry.
Advantages: None.
Disadvantages: Too numerous to list.
Conclusion: Celebrating Columbus Day and Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday is like being pro-life and supporting the death penalty.
Recommendation: Remove. Veterans' Day
Overview: In tribute to the men and women who have served in the Armed Forces, we go to work and curse the fact that we need stamps and the damned post office is closed.
Advantages: 11/11 is a cool date.
Disadvantages: Only federal employees have the day off.
Conclusion: Veterans deserve a moment in the spotlight. That moment should be Memorial Day.
Recommendation: Remove. Thanksgiving
Overview: After a solemn moment of giving thanks, we gorge ourselves on stuffed turkey and fall asleep watching the Cowboys and Lions win and lose, respectively.
Advantages: The perfect American feast: secular, slothful, sports-accompanied.
Disadvantages: The menu is the same every year.
Conclusion: Which is the greater soporific: the L-Tryptofan in the turkey, or the motion in the Lion's offense?
Recommendation: Retain. Christmas
Overview: While a corpulent old coot in red velvet engages the children, adults hail the birthday of a man who spurned worldly possessions by exchanging lavish gifts.
Advantages: TV programming includes "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," the video of David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing "The Little Drummer Boy," and a Knicks game.
Disadvantages: Wanton slaughter of evergreen trees. Classic rock stations play classic rock versions of Christmas carols. I never get what I REALLY want.
Conclusion: Abhor federally mandated religious holidays though I do, this one is here to stay.
Recommendation: Retain. To recap, we're keeping New Year's Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas; expanding Memorial Day; and nixing Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Labor Day, Columbus Day, and Veterans' Day. Those five holidays I propose we exchange for these: Super Monday
Date: The Monday after the Super Bowl (usually the last one in January, for the sports impaired).
Rationale: Whoever doesn't call in sick shows up hungover anyway. Procrastination Day
Date: April 15
Rationale: They take, what, a third of our income? Least they can do is give us a day off to check our math. Teachers' Day
Date: First Monday in September
Rationale: Let's maintain the scheduling convenience of Labor Day and give props to teachers, who as a group are overworked, underpaid, and too often taken for granted. Halloween
Date: October 31
Rationale: The most widely celebrated holiday not currently recognized by the government. Let's have parents, not teachers, organize their kids' masquerade parties. Everyone should have to wear costumes. And no one should be allowed to dress up as a cat. Or a gypsy. Or anyone from the Austin Powers movies. Friday After Thanksgiving
Date: Duh.
Rationale: A nice long weekend for all of us -- regardless of race, color, creed, sexual orientation, country of origin, political affiliation, tax bracket, or sign of the zodiac -- to reflect on all that is positive in our lives. Happy Halloween, Dear Reader. Now get back to work!
By Greg Olear
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