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HANGING CHAD (AND TOM AND KEVIN AND ROBIN AND MEL AND
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Results of last week's interactive column
First, I'd like to thank those of you who participated in last week's
interactive column. Without your support, I would have had to invent
results of the election, like they do in third world countries and
Florida.
Before we announce the winner, or loser, of the thorny "Most
Despised Male Box Office Star" crown, let's review the candidates:
The Asses ran Tom Hanks, who, if elected, pledged to spend
our nation's surplus on space exploration and World War II memorials.
Polls had him leading heading into the election, on the strength (or, if
you will, weakness) of You Got Mail and the new flick in which he
plays a FedEx foreman stranded on a desert island.
The Elephants went with Mel Gibson, whose Australian
nationality would not invalidate his candidacy, GOP attorneys claim,
because that bit about presidents have to be U.S. citizens is illegal
under Title VII, plus he does a flawless American accent. Gibson was not
expected to fare well, as his latest movie, What Women Want, looks
like it might actually be -- how my fingers ache typing this -- decent.
Robin Williams, choice of the Libertarians, spent the bulk
of his campaign jumping up on classroom desks and screaming, "O Captain,
my Captain!" His opponents gave out buttons and bumper stickers; he
distributed nothing but cheese.
The Federalist party hasn't won anything since we stopped fighting
the Indians. Neither has Kevin Costner. (I didn't see The
Postman, but I heard Costner just mailed in his performance).
Keanu Reeves represented the Know-Nothing party. Or, as
Morpheus would call it, the Neo-Know-Nothing party. Excellent!
¶
Certainly there are other male box office stars who deserve
collective disdain. Leonardo diCaprio, to name one. Matt Damon, to name
another. Brad Pitt would receive his share of votes, I'm sure, and there
are probably a few benighted souls who might hang a chad for Tom Cruise*.
And let's not forget Bruce Willis. But the five candidates were, I felt,
the most loathsome of the current crop of headliners.
So, without further ado, let's move to the results.
The popular -- or, rather, unpopular -- vote broke down this way:
Tom Hanks, 31%Kevin Costner, 23%
Keanu Reeves, 15%
Robin Williams, 15%
Mel Gibson, 12% (The other 4% comprised Stephanie's brother Lou, who wrote in Ben Affleck). Hanks was clearly the choice of the nation, as represented by the 26 LARGER EGO readers who cast a ballot. So you would think that he is the Most Despised Male Box Office Star, wouldn't you? Not so fast, Dear Reader.** You forgot to consider the Electoral College. Hanks won the states of Michigan, Colorado, Oregon, Illinois, and, decisively, Florida, capturing 79 electoral votes. Enough to make a splash, but not enough to win. Reeves and Williams got the same number of popular votes. But states won by the latter (New York, Georgia, Alaska, Texas) totaled more electoral votes than states won by the former (Vermont, Massachusetts, Arkansas, Kentucky), 81-29. Ted loses; Mork places. Dances With Himself took Washington, Ohio, New Jersey, South Carolina, Connecticut, and the District of Columbia, for a total of 66 EVs. Crash crashes. Lethal Gibson only won three states. But those states were Iowa, Pennsylvania, and California. That gives him a whopping 84 electoral votes and the title of Most Despised Male Box Office Star. There you have it, folks. Your winner, or loser, is Mad Mel Gibson. In other words, the Democrat won the popular vote, only to be defeated by a less qualified Republican in the electoral college. Scary thought, that.
**The term "Dear Reader" excludes our future president, Duh-Byuh, as he is neither of these things.
By Greg Olear
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