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BILL OF RITES
Now what, Mr. President?
In the chaos created by hanging chads, arcane election laws, and silver-tongued attorneys, one thing is certain: come the end of January, the nation's unemployment rate will rise ever-so-slightly, because Bill Clinton will be out of a job.
His wife, of course, will be the freshman senator from New York and, potentially, the 2004 president-elect. Which means Bill, in four years, could be America's first First Man (I wonder if they'll switch sides on the White House bed?).
This is fun to think about. Bill entertaining (wink wink nudge nudge) the wives of foreign dignitaries while President Rodham chomps cigars with the men. "Hillary," you can almost hear him say, "when is the King of Jordan coming back? I just love that Queen Noor." Bill and Denis Thatcher starting a My Wife Has Nuclear Capability support group. Bill reaffirming his fealty when Hill is caught in the Lincoln Bedroom with a hunky G.W. student-athlete named Biff.
But how will Clinton pass the next four years? At 54, he is the youngest ex-Chief Exec ever, poised to collect that fat presidential pension for 30 some odd years. What will he be doing?
He is a lawyer by trade, but after leading the free world for eight years, I don't see him quibbling over will riders in probate court. Not to mention that teeny weeny matter about him lying under oath and possibly getting disbarred (or, perhaps, incarcerated). Nah, Bill needs a sexier vocation.
Speaking of vocation, the presidency of Georgetown University, his alma mater, is vacant. True, this post has traditionally been held by Jesuits, and Bill is no priest. But he would bring a star quality to the job that no man currently wearing a collar, even outgoing president Rev. Leo O'Donovan S.J., could match.
Also, he would be able to stay in Washington, so he and his wife could live together. He could use his university apartments, nestled in the sactuary of the Jesuit residence hall, as a place of quiet reflection or sex with coeds. Not that Georgetown is exactly rife with Helens of Troy, but any guy who hit on Paula Jones can't be too fussy.
There is also a rumor that Bill will run for mayor of New York City. Apologies to Ruth Messenger, but I can imagine no better mayor than Bill. He would bring back the sex shoppes and the hot dog vendors. He would not hobnob with George Steinbrenner. He would support the movement to call Hell's Kitchen by its original name: Clinton. He would not allow Disney to continue infesting the city. And, best of all, he would be the personification of Benito Giuliani's worst nightmare. The only problem is, he'd clash constantly with Governor Pataki and Senator Rodham, although about different issues (or so we hope).
These are both excellent scenarios, but I have an even better one: Bill should go to Hollywood. He should hook up with Creative Artists Agency and join SAG. And any time they needed someone to play the president in a movie, he would do it. This would make all the movies that much more authentic. Bill could sate his sybaritic impulses with catered tortellini and production assistants. And, best of all, Hillary would be some 3,000 miles away. Hey, if Ronald Reagan can go from actor to president, why can't Bill do the reverse?
So the question is, does Bill prefer Georgetown coeds, Manhattan models, or Hollywood starlets?
His answer: "Yes."
By Greg Olear
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