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2000: A STRING OF ZEROES
Drawing a blank on the passing year
Personally, 2000 was a good year; publicly, it was a Firestone. As a one and three nines became a two and three zeroes, nothing happened. Computers and Dick Clark proved Y2K compliant. Seattle was safe from terrorist attack, as were Washington, Jerusalem, and the Afghani cave where lives the FBI's Most Wanted criminal. Even the bridge-and-tunnel revelers in Times Square made sure to vomit in the designated trash containers. Yawn, yawn, yawn. With such a bathetic beginning to the year, it figured that it would end with a whimper, too: the effete Vice President wussing out of a presidential race he won popularly and electoral-collegially, and the blithering President-Elect nominating for Attorney General a pro-life gasbag who lost his Senate seat to a dead man. What other stories dominated the headlines this year? Let's take a walk down Selective Memory Lane: There was a really big fire that destroyed thousands of square miles of U.S. property. Unfortunately, it was in Los Alamos, not Tallahassee. Olympics were held in Australia. The ratings were slightly better than "The Geena Davis Show" (which, somehow, is still on!). President Clinton visited Vietnam, 25 or so years after his coevals who didn't dodge the draft. Florida surpassed California as the most annoying state in the nation, first by delaying a six-year-old child's return to Cuba, then by delaying a fifty-four-year-old child's return to the White House. A virus spread to computers of people witless enough to open an executable file, completely wiping out Dubya's stump speeches. After years of trying, scientists finally mapped the human genome, only to discover it looks exactly like Norway. There was peace in the Middle East. Then there was more fighting between Palestinians and Israelis. Then Ehud Barak and Yasir Arafat signed a peace treaty. Then Palestinian gunmen clashed with Israelis. Then Barak and Arafat broke bread and promised not to fight. Then Israeli gunmen clashed with Palestinians. Then Barak and Arafat went to Camp David to meet with President Clinton on a historic peace proposal. Then Tupac Shakur was gunned down by East Coast rap fanatics. Then, the Grammy awards. Then Biggie Smalls was killed by West Coast rap fanatics. Then the Hatfields and the McCoys ended their centuries-old feud. Then...you get the idea. Vermont OK'd same-sex marriages, and the FDA approved RU-486. People were too busy watching "Survivor" to notice. Secretary of State Katherine Harris emerged as the best target for drag queen lampooning since Gloria Swanson. Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore made history by selecting Joseph Lieberman as his running mate. The move infuriated the White Aryan Nation and other hate groups, who refused to vote for someone from Connecticut. The Supreme Court decided who would next take the oath of office. On page 38 of the historic opinion, Justice Anthony Kennedy defended his decision to give the presidency to Bush, saying, "This is like an extra-inning game between the Florida Marlins and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. No one gives a crap who wins; they just want the damn game to be over so they can get some sleep." Unemployment hit a 30-year low, which explains why customer service is so lousy these days. Speaking of which, Verizon still hasn't fixed my phone. What will the new year bring? A new millennium (for real this time); a new president; a recession; more fighting in Bosnia, Yemen, Uganda, Sierra Leone, and other places I don't plan to hit any time soon; the Lombardi Trophy to Tampa Bay; more lame sitcoms; Charlie's Angels II; more big business mergers; an expanded LARGER EGO; and, come hell or Axl's chronic dimentia, a GNR concert in Las Vegas at 1am on 1/1/1. Happy New Year, folks.
By Greg Olear
122600