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SAUDI ARABIAN NIGHTS
Dispatches from the Middle East
#3:
So far, my time in Saudi Arabia has granted me certain freedoms from the mundane and everyday of America life. Mercifully, I am free from Bill O'Reilly, Tim Russert, Cokie Roberts, Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno and their ranting about the perils and triumphs of the "First Hundred Days" of the Bush presidency. I am free from the crazed idiocy of Southern California drivers. And, perhaps most refreshing, I am free from the constant onslaught of television advertising.
The Armed Forces Radio and Television Service provides all of the television that American military personnel watch here in Saudi Arabia, indeed in all overseas military locations. AFRTS offers many of the same shows that are available in the United States, usually in a "canned" format. And since Hollywood distributors donate most of the programming (taxpayers pick up the rest of the tab, proving once and for all that America is the greatest country on the planet), there's no need for advertisements to pay the bills. Which allows the average American soldier or sailor, after a hard day of defending freedom and democracy, to watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back reruns of "Friends" completely commercial-free.
I will begrudgingly admit that the television commercial has become something of an American art form. Television commercials have their own yearly awards show. Most people tune into the Super Bowl not for the lousy football played by millionaire-felons, but for the latest crop of sixty-second sitcoms. And my neighbor, who records hours' worth of primetime television every week, catalogues his VCR tapes according to the commercials played during the programming. He considers his collection an important source for American social history, but I have often caught him re-watching hours of nothing but trailers for "Baywatch." That "Baywatch" may one day be considered social history is a horrifying subject for another column.
The really successful commercials--apart from trying to sell us something--make us laugh, make us feel super-manly or ultra-feminine, or just make us feel damn proud to be part of the single largest consumer-driven society on the planet. Indeed, the most successful advertising campaigns manage to work their way into our cultural lexicon, which causes me varying degrees of personal nausea: I found it mildly cute when many Americans spent a whole year asking each other, "Where's the beef?" The fact that most 18-35 year old males now think a throaty "Whaaaaaaaz Up!" is a polite form of address is downright revolting.
So I don't miss television commercials. Yet, in an effort to conform to the standard 30- and 60-minute long television show, the clever people at AFRTS have had to come up with something to fill the gaps left by the absence of commercials. And, similar to the Super Bowl, I don't watch AFRTS for the actual programming (I've seen the episode a thousand damn times in which Ross finally admits that he really loves Rachel). Rather, what keeps me tuning in night after night is the scintillating filler that's been expertly woven into the wholesome entertainment of military-sponsored television. This all-important filler can be divided into several broad categories:
Professional EducationMy favorite segment is the three-minute video detailing how to quickly don my protective suit in case of a chemical, biological, or nuclear attack. If you don't put this heavy, rubbery suit on properly, you can suffocate yourself, which defeats the whole purpose. I always pay special attention when this segment appears, since an anthrax-tipped Scud missile could come crashing through my living room window any minute. Those people who use this programming break as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or make a batch of microwave popcorn may be out of luck when the shwarma hits the fan. Americana
By watching these segments, I have learned that John Steinbeck wrote Cannery Row while working on Cannery Row, that James Buchanan was the only U.S. president to remain a bachelor during his entire time in office, and that the United States acquired Alaska not by purchasing it from Russia, but through a trade with China involving classified nuclear weapons data. The 50 States
A sub-set of "Americana," AFRTS often fills an entire commercial break with a two-minute profile on the unique contributions one of the 50 States has made to our Grand Republic. For some reason, New Jersey and Texas are never profiled. Mostly, I have learned that every state east of the Mississippi was named for an English or French king, and that every state west of the Mississippi was named for an extinct tribe of Native Americans. Bits O' Military Trivia
In these segments, a man with a very pleasant voice describes how spin-offs from military research have made their way into everyday household use. For example, the Slinky was a by-product of research into improved suspensions for World War Two-era tanks and Silly Putty was a serendipitous result of experimentation with new explosives. Hopefully, future installments will detail how hood-mounted Proton Death Lasers, the kind you use to vaporize jerks who cut you off in traffic, were originally a spin-off of President Bush's anti-missile defense system. Personal Health
Since the military provides healthcare for all its members, it has a vested interest in assuring good health across the board. The Oscar in this category goes to a 90-second spot featuring Mulcher and Sully, two agents from the Z-Files. In the course of a clandestine meeting on a rainy night under a dim street lamp, Sully reveals that most of the cholesterol build-up found in your body comes from the saturated fat you eat, not the cholesterol you eat. Just as Mulcher is about to reveal that a diet high in fiber and low in saturated fat is the key to good health, he is whisked away by The Smoking Man in an un-marked government sedan. I swear I am not making this up. Despite the raw power and creative genius of AFRTS's commercial filler, I find it ironic that U.S. military men and women get cut off from television commercials while serving overseas. After all, I'm here in Saudi Arabia as part of an effort to promote and defend the American way of life. Necessarily, that way of life includes, among other things, rampant and unbridled consumerism. So television commercials provide a window into the soul of America. I am more than happy to be a part of the effort that defends both the window and the soul. Just be forewarned: when I get home in a couple of months, and you greet me by saying, "Whaaaaaaaz Up!" I will ensure that the Scud missile comes crashing through YOUR living room window. Right in the middle of a really good commercial.
--Jeremy Neuner is on assignment in Saudi Arabia.
LAST WEEK: Note a bidet.
By Jeremy Neuner
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