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SUPERPOWER TRIP
Everybody wants to rule the world
I am tired of the United States being the only superpower on the planet. My reasons are mostly selfish. As a superpower, the United States has a vast appetite for resources and influence, so our government constantly feels the need to promote "stability" throughout the world in order to better feed that appetite. More often than not, the United States uses military forces to ensure the protection of its interests. Poor me, I am just one of the thousands of men and women in the U.S. armed forces spread around the planet, far from friends and loved ones, who have been tasked to keep the peace, keep an eye on our enemies, or keep the world from going to hell in a hand basket. What I'd really rather be doing is sitting on the beach in Southern California with my fiancée, maybe having a beer, not having to worry about whether I'll get blown to smithereens in the next terrorist attack.
Of course, somebody has to be the superpower. A quick look at history shows that one group of people-either through superior technology, superior geography, or plain dumb luck-has been the dominant political, cultural, and economic force in the world. The Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans all had a pretty good go of it. And the pre-Reformation Church did a decent job of holding things together for five or six centuries. Since then, one country or another has stepped up to fill the superpower void. In fact, things got really dicey in the last century when the world had not one but two ideologically opposed superpowers. Boy, those were exciting times!
But for the past decade or so, the United States has been stagnating. Oh sure, we had the most bullish economy in history, connected the world via the Internet, invented Viagra and Rogaine, kept everyone entertained with O.J. and Monica, headed off a genocide or two, taught the world to love Madonna, Michael Jackson, and grunge music. But I feel like we're losing steam. No great superpower in history has held sway much longer than two or three centuries, which means time is just about up for the Pax Americana. Rather than letting the twenty-first century version of the Visigoths rumble through and take over, we should quit while we're ahead. I don't mean to suggest that we just fold up and revert back to 1920's-style isolationism. The world is too interdependent for that. I'm merely suggesting that we play nicely and let someone else have a turn.
Surely some country or society will step up and fill the superpower void that we've abdicated. Look around, and you'll probably find lots of worthy candidates (Rudy Giuliani, the religious right, and Eminem don't count). Here are a few of my own front-runners for your consideration:
Great BritainYou can't argue with experience. Up until the early 1900's, the sun never set on the British Empire. The Brits have had a century or so to rest up, so they're probably ready to get back in the game. Letting Great Britain take over has several advantages. For example, English could still be the dominant language on the planet, saving everyone the hassle of having to learn something new. The quality of world cuisine might suffer (I don't think anyone in Great Britain actually likes cucumber sandwiches), but if you were lucky enough get elected to Parliament, they might let you wear one of those cool wigs. Additionally, my fiancée (who was born in England) claims that men with English, Scottish, or Irish accents are extremely sexy. In a Darwinian sort of way, this might help the survival of the species. Malaysia
But for a run of bad luck, Malaysia came very close a few years ago to having the dominant economy is Asia. With a few preemptive nudges, the Malaysians could be right back on top. And since the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur are the tallest buildings in the world, Malaysia has a ready-made symbol--suitable for use on the new worldwide currency--for its world dominance. Also, I think it would be beneficial for the spiritual growth of the United States if little Malaysians kids ran around wearing expensive Nike basketball shoes that were made in stuffy, overcrowded factories by American workers who earned a dollar-fifty a day. India and/or China
Shear numbers have to count for something. Close to half the world's population lives in either India or China, so they should be able to rise to the top by brute strength alone. Better yet, instead of having to go out to dinner at a trendy restaurant for "Indian food" or "Chinese food," we could all just go out for "food." A Latin American Conglomerate
This might be my least favorite choice, simply because I am so bad at Salsa dancing. But if several Latin American countries banded together, they'd be a formidable force to reckon with. And if the Central and South American rainforests really hold the curatives for cancer, AIDS, and Alzheimer's disease, the Latin Americans would have a great economic and social bargaining chip to use to consolidate their power. With their newfound pharmaceutical wealth, the Latin American conglomerate could establish mirco-credit programs in the United States to help the bankrupt dot-commers get back on their feet. Australia
Every time I meet Australians, I am struck by their laid-back attitude. Nothing seems to faze the Aussies, so they could be counted on not to over-react to every little political or social hiccup in the world (unlike some superpowers I know). Meanwhile, the rest of us would finally be able to understand the elusive rules to games like cricket and Australian-rules football. The Aussies might be my first choice for the next superpower because they wouldn't be so concerned about being the cultural and moral conscience of the world. And we could all benefit from a little live-and-let-live. Alas, the good old U. S. of A. doesn't appear quite ready to give up the ghost just yet. At the very least, we need to keep our superpower status just so we can maintain control over the planet's natural resources. Otherwise, how will we ensure that the gas tanks of our Ford Expeditions and Lincoln Navigators stay full? How else will we ensure that the shelves in the grocery stores stay stocked with Olestra-laden snack foods? But like I said at the beginning of this column, my desires for the United States to pass on the superpower baton are mostly selfish. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck here in the middle of the Saudi Arabian desert. Maybe then people like me could go (and stay) the hell home.
By Jeremy Neuner
040301