HOW BAZAAR
The selling of America

In my column two weeks ago, I asked LARGEREGO readers across the globe to speculate on what might be sold at a "fantasy bazaar" designed to showcase products that uniquely capture the essence of American culture. I had hoped this little exercise might give us all some insight into the ways that we capture and package our culture for export to the rest of the world. Instead, LARGEREGO readers managed to paint a bleak, if not hilarious, picture of America. The responses were overwhelming. So overwhelming that I'm wondering if I ought to bother coming home at all.

I've grouped the responses of our astute readers into several broad categories:

Kitsch
The kitsch section at our fantasy bazaar will require acres of table space, including a special warehouse for all the Pez dispensers we'll be selling (nearly half of those who responded considered Pez dispensers to be the single indubitable icon of Americana). We'll also be selling lots of fake barf, whoopi cushions, Chia pets, vampire teeth, red wax lips, giant foam "Number One" hands, lava lamps, joy buzzers, dog sweaters, glow-in-the-dark condoms, Groucho Marx glasses, and absolutely anything to do with Elvis Presley (especially those velvet Elvis paintings that show The King shedding a little pearl-shaped tear). I wanted to believe that the American obsession with kitsch merely indicated that we're all a bunch of happy-go-lucky, fun-loving folks. But instead, I can only conclude that we're all a bunch of boobs.

Informercial Products
Clearly, the readers of LARGEREGO watch way too much late-night television. Nearly every list I received included a Flo-Bee, an Ab-Roller, some sort of miracle cleaning compound, a can of that ridiculous spray-on hair to cover your bald spot, or any other product that, if you act NOW, included an additional set of steak knives absolutely free. Special kudos to the LARGEREGO reader who put "shipping and handling" at the top of her fantasy bazaar list.

Attitude
According to LARGEREGO readers, most Americans are fat, loud, and lazy. At our fantasy bazaar, I envision having a stall where we gather folks with the biggest beer guts, the most annoying laughs, or the most obnoxious personal habits to give seminars on how they elevate these perturbing traits into an art form. At the end of the day, shoppers would be allowed to rent our resident experts (for exorbitant prices) and take them home for special in-house training. Of course, any shoppers from France would be excluded from this special one-time offer.

Scandal & Voyeurism
Several readers suggested that the showcase item in this section of the bazaar would be poster-sized photographs of President Clinton giving Monica that coy little hug. Shoppers who didn't want to lay out the cash for such an expensive item could buy videotapes of reality television shows like "Cops" (each videotape would come with one of those greasy, white tank-top undershirts). For those special customers who have been wrongly convicted in a scandal, presidential pardons could be purchased at bargain-basement prices. Remember, buying in bulk always saves you money!

Litigation
As shoppers leave the bazaar, their final stop would be at a stall full of lawyers. These lawyers would be available (again, at exorbitant fees) to sue the pants off of anyone who has violated our shoppers' rights, used language that has offended them, caused them mental anguish, failed to yield them the right-of-way, or allowed them to use a product in a dangerous manner that resulted in physical or emotional harm, even though the damn label warned them not to. Next to the stall of lawyers will be a man dressed in a white robe standing at a podium. He will not be allowed to say a word, only hold up a sign that has "Common Sense" written on it in block letters. At the end of the day, this man will be shot.

The Real Deal
Sadly, of all the items LARGEREGO readers thought should be included for sale in our fantasy bazaar, only one product (on several lists) stood out as something that is truly the result of American ingenuity, divine inspiration, and careful craftsmanship: Kentucky bourbon. Enough said.

So this is the America that I can look forward to upon my return from Saudi Arabia: a bunch of fat, loud-mouthed scandal addicts who eat a lot of Pez and drink a lot of bourbon while watching the infomercials on the late-late show. Don't mess with them unless you're looking for a lawsuit. Still, I'll take it, warts and all. After three months in the desert spent staring at the sand, trying to maintain some semblance of sanity in the Middle East, I'm ready for a little variety. Variety, by the way, was the most frequently listed "intangible" that should be offered at our fantasy bazaar. If nothing else, Americans have choices. Some of us make bad choices, like wearing black socks with white sneakers. But at least we're free to choose to be stupid. Which, despite our glaring foibles, makes America a pretty okay country.