 |
Hard Copy
Version
COMMENTARY
ET CETERA
DISPATCHES
LISTS
FEATURES
CORRECTIONS
MAILBAG
REVIEWS
NEUNER
OLEAR
RICHARDS
STERNE
MASTHEAD
CONTACT
SUBMIT
SUBSCRIBE
ARCHIVES
|
|
|
LISTS
Top ten things that have passed through Hume Cronyn’s digestive tract (featuring commentary from Hume’s colon, otherwise known as “Ralphie”)
1. Nathan’s hot dogs, 1936—“Whenever Hume would go to Coney Island, that was always a bit of a maelstrom for us. These particular casings still have not yet been fully digested.”
2. Ensure, 1988-today—“Mmmm…I love this stuff. Hume has to keep it from Jessica though when she’s on a serious bender.”
3. Hume’s own urine, 1932-1935; 1974-1976—“It’s tough being a struggling actor. I understand that. You do what you have to do, but, jeez, when he got into that whole urine purification thing in the 70’s!?!”
4. Turnip greens, 1951—“Hume ate this only once, but it was heaven for us because he’d just put us through a three month workout while he was working with Cary Grant in People Will Talk. Apparently Grant dared him to eat only the fatty parts of steaks for three months for every meal and nothing else. Ever Grant’s submissive bitch, Hume agreed to do it. Grant got mileage out of the story for years. I hear it’s how he wooed Dyan Cannon.”
5. Pet rock, 1973—“Please don’t bring that up.”
6. Condoms filled with cocaine, 1986-1997—“A lot of people don’t know about Hume’s shadow career as a mule. This was a pretty difficult period for all of us in 'the Tract', but especially so for the small intestine, Sally. She confided in me many times her thoughts of a suicide blockage.”
7. The master print of Brewster’s Millions, 1985—“Hume wanted no part of this Richard Pryor/John Candy vehicle; however, he needed the money to support Jessica Tandy’s 10 gallon a day Ensure habit. His immeasurable guilt over being a part of this piece of trash led him to try to eat the print in its entirety. He was only able to keep down a couple of dozen frames, and the rest he disgorged. You could still see traces of Hume’s vomit on the released print -— a fact he was inordinately proud of; sadly, the gastric stains of protest have been erased from the restored DVD version.”
7. BACON!! BACON!! BACON!!, 1911-present—“Hume really likes bacon.”
8. Veal, various times since 1940—“Every time Hume consumes veal, things turn quite controversial in 'the Tract.' Simon (the stomach) and Payne (the liver) are big time animal rights activists unlike the rest of us. I say that it doesn’t matter whether it’s a baby cow or an adult cow. Either way, Hume’s cholesterol is way too high.”
9. Tripe, 1987—“Hume tried to eat this as preparation for his role as a North Georgian in Foxfire. I may not be a member of PETA, but I’m certainly not a cannibal. I led the charge to regurgitate our brothers as a form of protest.”
10. Doublemint chewing gum, 1993—“Yes, yes, chewing gum does stay in your digestive tract for years if you swallow it, but we like it--esp. Wrigley’s products. It gives all of Hume’s innards a minty freshness.”
|
By Charles Sterne
020601 |
