Version
COMMENTARY
ET CETERA
DISPATCHES
LISTS
FEATURES
CORRECTIONS
MAILBAG
REVIEWS NEUNER
OLEAR
RICHARDS
STERNE
MASTHEAD
CONTACT
SUBMIT
SUBSCRIBE ARCHIVES
LISTS
Top Ten Wagers of All Time 1. Pierre Minuit and the Manhattes Indians (1621)--Legend has it that Pierre Minuit of New Belgium acquired the island of Manhattan from the Manhattes Indians for the equivalent in jewels and trinkets of twenty-four dollars. This is actually not true. The Indians -— strangely enough -— bet Minuit that the Red Sox would win the World Series that year, a little known historical fact that predates the so-called “Curse of the Bambino.” Most baseball historians and early American historians now refer to it as the “Curse of the Walloons.” Incidentally, the Marlins beat the Red Sox in six. 2. Win Walstead and Stefan Brecher (1983)—During recess one fateful October day at High Point Elementary School in Atlanta, Ga., Walstead bet Brecher a carton of chocolate milk that his dad could beat up Brecher’s dad. Naturally both fathers thought this was a ridiculous idea. The next day John Jay Bradberry, noted neighborhood bully and young Republican, pummeled both kids down by the monkey bars and enjoyed three chocolate milks afterwards during lunch. 3. Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain (1938)—Did you really think that Chamberlain believed all that “peace in our time” bullshit? The real story behind the Munich agreement lied in the night of drunken carousing Neville and Adolf had before Chamberlain’s fateful return to England. At 3am they landed at a cockfight in the bowels of downtown Munich where Chamberlain received a tip that a fiery Bavarian rooster named Karl was as much of a lock as Zelda Fitzgerald was nuts. Seizing the opportunity, he bet der Fuhrer that if Karl were to win, Hitler would be required to appear in public dancing “cheek to cheek” with Joseph Goebbels; if Karl were to lose, Chamberlain would promise Hitler that Britain would allow Germany’s annexation of Czechoslovakia, paving the way for the Nazi domination of Europe. Oh, the vagaries of history!! 4. William Faulkner and a bottle of Kentucky bourbon (1944)—Faulkner’s bottle of bourbon bet the author that he couldn’t drink the whole bottle in one sitting. Faulkner won the bet, which earned him another bottle of Kentucky.* The existence of this wager has been verified by the recently published correspondence between Faulkner and his friend, Hollywood director Howard Hawks. In an unrelated wager on an LSU-Ole Miss football game, Faulkner lost to Hawks and as recompense was forced to adapt for the screen the famously incomprehensible Raymond Chandler novel The Big Sleep, during the writing of which he won and consumed 255 bottles of Kentucky. 5. Hume Cronyn and myself (2001)—I bet Hume that I would not mention him in this week’s list. As you can see, I have lost, and now I am required to watch Cocoon: The Return three times tonight . It was worth it, though: Hume Cronyn as list material is gold. 6. The Buffalo Bills (1988-1991)—4 years. $125 lost. 2 legs broken.** 7. Jesus and the Bum (26 A.D.)—In the gospel writers’ rush to evangelize before the apocalypse, they didn’t exactly get their facts straight in some cases. Here’s an example: at a wedding in Nazareth a guest bet Jesus, who was making a name for himself around town as an above average messiah and a below average carpenter, that he couldn’t change water into wine. Jesus attempted the transformation, but apparently he was confused by the request and turned the water into a wino. Honest mistake, Jesus claimed, but he still had to pay up and give the guest a seat at his right hand in the Kingdom of God.*** 8. The Dalai Lama and the Pope (1993)—The Pope bet the Dalai Lama an indulgence that Christianity was the one, true religion. Outcome to be determined. 7. Rock’n’Roll and Big Band Swing (1956)—Swing wagered its status as the most popular form of music in a game of darts with Rock at 2 in the morning. Rock won in a surprising comeback with three consecutive bullseyes at the end. Feeling badly, Rock slept with Swing that night. The result: Brian Setzer. 8. The Listmaster and his readers (2001)—I bet my seven readers that I could do a top ten that actually had ten items. Here it is, suckers. I have calculated how much you all owe me, and it comes to $2,046.65 each. Please send a certified check or money order (no cash) to 1005 Niebuhr Blvd, Lebanon, TN 36808.*An alternate version of this story has the bourbon being Maker’s Mark rather than Kentucky.
**I kid…I only lost fifty bucks.
***My source for this information is the recently uncovered gnostic gospel, the Gospel of Hugh.
By Charles Sterne
040301